Finding You

Perhaps my biggest post-partum struggle has been the quest to find the new me. I mean, not that I am some totally different person, per se, but I  mean to find my new identity with the title of "mommy" added in the mix. I know that most new mothers go through this same struggle and so I find it important to share that its not easy.

For most first time mothers, we have been used to working. Yup, a 9-5, er in my case a 730-630 grind, where your identity is one of wife and lawyer for me. My routine was set around workouts, beating traffic and what my caseload looked like. I found joy in completing a project, finding a good case to cure some ailment in our defense, or writing a good motion or brief. I discussed fashion and such with my co-workers and gossiped about the latest episode of whatever TV show was hot at the time. My brain was useful and used everyday. I felt accomplished at the end of the day.

Now, most of my day is spent in pj's, where my greatest worry is did Evie have a BM today and what time did she last, eat, sleep, or have a diaper change. I call mascara putting on make-up and an outfit consists of jean shorts and whatever t-shirt I can find. My hair has only been "done" three times in the last 5 1/2 weeks.

I  have seen every re-run of SITC and Law & Order: SVU, as well as any HGTV show. When J comes home, I have nothing but baby to talk about. I worry about how I will fit back into work when I return.

Sure, I see the emails everyday, but it seems life has gone on at the office without me and they are doing just fine. I worry they won't need me, or my brain will  be so out of practice that I will suck it up. Meanwhile, I am jonesing for something that seems substantive to work on, I want to challenge my brain, be busy, do something. I want to have a routine that involves more than diapers and spit up. I crave a good suit and well-placed eyeshadow.

But how do the two work together? Will I miss my baby while I am at work? Will I fail at work because I am too worried about my baby? Will she suffer if I am at the office late like I am used to? Will I be able to make my hours at work when I want to be home with my child? I am no longer just lawyer and wife with no true time to be home or things to do. I am now wife, mother, lawyer and honestly its scares the bajesus out of me.

I know tons of women who work, and I know tons that are working lawyer moms. But man its hard. I feel guilty that sometimes I want to just drop the baby off and head into work, a place where I know what to do, and can predict my days. Where no one cries to be fed, changed, or rocked. Where I feel appreciated and needed. Do not get me wrong, I love my child, but man its a hard adjustment.

I envy J, yes his life has changed, but not like mine. He has been back to work for weeks, he does not get up in the middle of the night, he does not know her every whim and need, he often looks to me to tell him what to do and when he first sign of too much fussiness occurs, its mom to the rescue. I know he is trying and he is doing such a good job, but its so different for him. Yes he has added Dad to his title, but Dad is just not Mom.

Ok, I have rambled on enough, So, moral here, for those moms who have gone back to work, kudos to you! For those of you who stay at home, kudos to you. Either way, adding in the role of mom is hard work, often under-appreciated and I have a new respect for both. But, mom is mom, and its hard work and I'm only 5 1/2 weeks in! Hug a mom today.