P.S. I love you
Well, you are reading this on Wednesday, but I am sitting here typing this a 9am on Tuesday. This Tuesday that still seems like Monday because I have not really slept. Sure Evie has slept and is currently napping away in her swing, but me, I am exhausted. It's not even the I need 8 straight hours of sleep exhausted, its I am tired of life exhausted.
I have what seems to be a never-ending headache from the constant hum of the Dohm (aka sound machine that keeps my baby quiet), the rock n' play, the clicking of the swing, the crying of a baby, the TV, or the incessant workers outside my window. I cry at the drop of a dime, the whimper of a puppy, a sale email in my inbox and any story on TV which involves remote sappiness. I have not worn make up for almost a month, let alone actually fixed my hair. I would like to go one day without a wad of fabric between my legs and the ability to cough without cringing. I want to just get in the car and not worry about a diaper bag, bottles, formula or whether my child will have a melt down in Target. I would like to go somewhere else besides Target.
I would like my husband to come home and see me how he saw me before. When we talked about more than babies, money, or how we will afford a new home.I want to stop being upset with him when he holds the baby for less than 10 minutes. I want him to come home with some flowers or anything to make me feel special. I need him to snap out of his funk and "adjustment" period because hey, its an adjustment for me too, but I don't have time to be off. I am on all day everyday. I have to cater to her every whim, I just need you to cater to one of my whims.
I would like to have more to talk about than baby. I would like to post about a cool weekend, or cute new clothes, or a vacation, heck I would love to post about anything other than baby right now.
Motherhood is a struggle. It's not all sunshine and roses and happy cute baby pics people post. You will yell--at yourself, at your spouse, your friends who come to help, and you will yell at your sweet innocent newborn. You will hate the way you look, the way you feel and just about anything you can hate. There will be times when you want to just walk away and go back to "before." And then these feelings will make you feel worse about yourself because heck, the world tells you that you are supposed to have this wonderful bond with your new bundle of joy and you will want to "eat her up." You will feel guilty that you just want to get in the car and drive anywhere but here.
So, I leave you with these thoughts today and ask you to tell your mom you love her. Thank her for being her, not for being your mom, but for being her. Tell her how much you love things that are just about her. And, J, P.S. I love you more than words, even more than shoes.