What They Don't Tell You

To say the last week of my life was rough is an understatement.  It was heartbreaking and hard.  For those of you who don't know, I was in the middle of a deposition Tuesday when daycare called to say E had a fever and needed to be picked up.  Of course, right when I was an hour away. So daddy to the rescue.  I got home and took E to the doctor.  And so it began. The litany of tests to figure out why she has been so sick.  A chest x-ray confirmed pneumonia, but not the other symptoms.  Since then, she has been on two meds and breathing treatments and we have had several rounds of bloodwork.  And I still do not have the results of her panels other than to say her white blood cell count is good.

Add onto this changing daycares.  I loved E's new daycare when we first started.  Her teacher was wonderful and loving and she was doing well.  And then she moved rooms and the teachers kept changing, the room was dirty and she was just constantly sick.

So she was home all last week.  She is breathing better, no snot, no cough and has slept through the night.  But today, today I had to drop her off at daycare. New daycare.  She is going to a new place with new teachers and new friends.  And I lost it.

I cried at drop off.  I was rushed in and told to just leave stuff. Her teacher wasn't there yet and I just wanted to talk to someone about her schedule.  See, we are moving her into the 12 month room since she is so active and to avoid moving her twice. Which means she is the only one still on a bottle, not walking and napping in a crib.  So I cried. I am tired. I am worried. I had the feeling in the pit of your stomach like did I make the wrong decision by moving her?  So I was that mom and I cried.  And E was crying.   It didn't matter that she had a new unicorn backpack, or a new napmat.  She was not having it.

They don't tell you that your heart will ache.  That the ache is like nothing you have ever experienced.  No one warns you that holding your baby down as they draw blood over and over will kill a part of you.  That deciding to move her from the daycare she knows will cause you panic and anxiety and keep you up at night.  It's a secret that seeing your baby cry as you leave them in a new place burns the back of your throat and makes you want to lose your breakfast.  It's kept quiet that you will feel guilty every day when you drop her off and go to work, because a "good" mom would stay home with her baby.  No one tells you that that cry is the cry of fear of your sweet 10 1/2 month old that relies on you for everything feeling as though you are abandoning her and the look in her eyes will be ever impressed upon your heart.

No. They don't tell you that being a mom hurts.