Wow, look at me, two mom posts in a row.  As some of you know, Evie had adenoid surgery yesterday.  She has had chronic illness since about 3 months old, and we are hoping this helps.  We are so blessed to live down the street from Cook Children's Medical Center and they provide wonderful care.

We arrived at 7:30 am and she was in good spirits despite having no food since midnight.  I armed myself with her favorite toys and was ready for the quick procedure.  At about 9:00 am, they came in and gave her "giggle juice" also known as Versed through her nose.  Versed is a sedative to help calm you and especially for little ones who may have separation anxiety.  E seemed find and they wheeled her off.  About 15 minutes later her surgery was complete and her doctor reported it went well.  Her right ear tube was blocked and her ear was full again so I'm glad we got new tubes and did this procedure.

About 30 minutes later they brought our sweet girl back in.  She was a bit groggy and whiny.  She chugged down some pedialyte and was seemingly well.  And then it happened.  She began to become inconsolable.  Seriously, my little girl when all exorcist on me.  She began to scream and thrash about.  She was arching her back and head and just could not be controlled.  I could not physically hold her because she was using all her strength.  It was so scary.  For the next 45 minutes doctors and the anesthesiologist worked to try and reverse the effects of the Versed.  When the normal drugs did not work, they had to give her another sedative.

I was that mom ya'll.  I screamed and cried and J lost it too.  No one warned us about the effects of this drug.  I spent 45 minutes watching my child in distress.  Her heart rate was high she was burning up and I could not do a thing.

After the last drug set in and she was asleep in my arms, they anesthesiologist came back in and said he hates this drug.  He was not the one who administered it and said its just not good with little ones.  He was super kind and understanding and let us go as soon as she was awake.

There are times in your life when you want to walk away and forget.  This was one of them. I was mad, angry, hurt, frustrated and scared all in one.  I wanted to walk away.

I am tired. I am exhausted. I am emotionally and physically spent. Nothing prepares you for motherhood. No book, class, words of advice.  My body physically hurts from the sheer exhaustion from the last year.

This post has no feel good happy ending, although E seems fine this morning.  Motherhood sucks.

I am sure I will have ugly comments about what a joy and blessing motherhood is, but people there are times it downright sucks.  You will miss you old life at times, you will long for a shower alone, a full night's rest 3 days in a row, to be able to just come and go as you please.  You will ache to your core from lack of sleep, worry and doubt.  You will wonder if you did something wrong, or if you are doing enough.  You will beat yourself up because you work full time.  You will envy the mom who can afford a nanny but does not work, and the one who does work yet can still have a nanny, you will envy the mom who only works part time, and you will hate that you work full time at times.

You will get mad at your husband simply because you are tired, worried, and sick.

You will feel alone.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.