A Weekend of Reflection

This weekend was nothing extraordinary or one to write home about. But I think it may stick with me longer than most.

Friday we had our first family dinner in a while since E no longer has swimming on Friday nights.  We opted for TexMex and Mi Cocina never fails.  E was extra good so we stopped by Marable Slab to get her some ice cream. You no, nothing spectacular.

Saturday we headed out to the Fort Worth Stock Show & Rodeo.  I have but two photos that are not really good.  We got there about 9 am and strolled through the barns and saw lots of cows, goats, pigs and horses.  We then made it a whole hour into the actual rodeo before E declared she was over it.  We were home by 11:45 am and down for a nap by 12:30. I went for a run after her nap while she played with her dad.  We played outside for a bit longer after her nap and then some more until dinner.

Sunday we headed to her twirling lesson and she did quite well.  I admit it's pretty awesome to watch her being taught by the same woman who taught me and pretty much has been my role model for life.  She has another competition in two weeks, so we will see how that goes.  We headed home for lunch and a nap.  And that is where this good times end.

I laid down on the couch to rest while she napped and realized how over life I am.  My whole body aches from anxiety and stress.  I also realized I had been looking forward to her nap so I could nap the whole day.  I needed her to just sleep so I could be by myself.  I realized how agitated I was by everything she did to stall her nap.  I was short with her story ready and could not be done rocking her quick enough.  I blamed stress and exhaustion, but truthfully, I am not sure it is.

I became more agitated when she only slept for an hour and woke me from my slumber.  I was upset when she threw an all out tantrum because I attempted to wipe her nose with toilet paper and not a tissue.  I yelled at her when she fell down walking the dog because now the dog would not poop.  I am short, hot tempered, angry and just all around agitated.

I am depressed.  It hit me as I continued to lay on the couch after my husband returned from the gym and took E to the park. I did not want to move.  I wasn't tired per se, but I had no motivation to move.  I just wanted to lay there and wallow.  But, I forced myself off the couch and managed to get in a run before E and the hubs came back.

As I jogged along, I realized that I needed to do something about it.  Its not that I like feeling this way, its just finding the time in the day to get it under control.  You see, its not at work. No, there I am calm, cool and collected.  I am happy go lucky and the smiley person in the office.  But then I get home and its like I have nothing left to give. It's like I become agitated the moment I walk in the door knowing I will be bombarded with whining and tantrums.  You see I know I have a problem and up until now I thought I had it under control.

It is hard to type these words.  To admit that there is something wrong.  To reflect on the anger and tension that I have brought into my home and imparted upon my family.  They do not deserve it and I know that only I can control the change that needs to happen.