When You Can't Mom Anymore

As most of you know the last couple of weeks have been trying for me. My child has suddenly decided to become that one at school that hits and throws.  It happened again yesterday and off to her school I went.  I found her in the office, tears in her eyes.  All she wanted was to go home.  I think it was embarrassment that got her since this was the first time she has been removed from the classroom for an outburst.  So there I was in the office with my 2 year old and the director and all I wanted to do was cry. 

I wanted to cry from my own embarrassment, from the humiliation, from exhaustion and just because I was frustrated.  I wanted to yell and scream and make her understand, but by the time I got to her school all I could do was cry.  It tool all of me to keep the tears inside as I spoke to her and tried to find out what happened.  Then I took her little hand and walked her back to her class so she could apologize and ask for permission to rejoin the class.  And then she cried.  She didn't want me to leave, but I had to go.  As I walked back to my car the tears welled up and I lost it.  I bawled right there in the parking lot.

The rest of the day I spent in a anxious panic.  Would she do it again?  Would she get kicked out of daycare?  Have I done something wrong?  Will this ever end?  What can I do?  The thoughts swirled around and engulfed me.

Bedtime was a total mess as she refused to do anything.  By the time I walked out of her room I was just done.  I cried huge big ugly tears that ran down my face and onto the kitchen floor.  I gulped for air because I feel like I am drowning.  All I want to do is sleep for day, but I have to drag myself out of bed each day and try because no one else will do all the things that need to be done.

I am told this is what motherhood is, but I fear I may not make it without a total breakdown sometimes.  I am a constant ball of anxiety, tension, anger, stress and exhaustion.  I know eventually (lord help me) these days will pass, but for the moment I can't mom anymore.