Marriage in Motion: The Tough Talk
Maybe I have watched one too many Hallmark movies, but does anyone else think thank romance and chivalry die a little after you have kids?
I was chatting with some of my girlfriends not too long ago about one of those taboo topics—sex. We were chatting about how much or how little was happening in our marriages. And though we had three different experiences one common theme existed—its just so darn tough to talk about with the one person you need to. Your husband.
When did something that used to be so easily done become such an awkward and uncomfortable conversation? Oh that’s right—kids. It’s like the moment children enter the picture your spouse and you forget about to talk about anything other than said love of you life. The once sexy talk that spewed out of his mouth is replaced by sour milk spewing out of your baby’s mouth and onto your shirt and well let’s face it—no one finds that sexy.
And I know that most husbands get it, those first few months are brutal with a newborn. You are sleep-deprived, malnourished, and probably not showing the best personal hygiene skills. I mean who wants to go get a bikini wax 8 weeks after you popped a bowling bowl of your nether regions? And if we are being completely honest, who wants to go do it at all if no one is headed down south anytime soon!
But I digress…. So, there I was chatting away with my ladies as we described how over the course of time our marriage relationships have changed. We chatted about how each of our husbands approaches the deed. From the eager beaver husband, to the silent one who says nothing to the one who well, neither says nor does a thing. We chatted about how motherhood has made it hard for each of us to get into the sexual space—mom/life/surviving has taken over everything and at the end of the day its the marriage that suffers.
We all admitted we are partially to blame. I mean, who wants to put on the moves at the end of the day after caring for kids all day, or listening to the demands of others all day or after having people clinging to you all day long… We’ve stopped putting on high heels for date nights, heck we have stopped putting on anything other than work clothes or yoga pants. Even dinner out eventually turns to kid talk or finance talk or anything but let’s go home and dirty the sheets talk.
And we admitted that having that conversation with our spouses is just awkward. Its not one you want to have because everyone feels uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do is bruise his ego. And at the end of the day all we want is a little romance. So, how do we spark that romance again?
Schedule it in: I know it sounds awful, but ya’ll… if it takes scheduling a night a week for romance, it do it!
Take advantage of days off: Instead of jam-packing those rare days off together doing project, connect! Take the kiddo to daycare and just stay in bed. Enjoy each other. Sip that coffee slowly and enjoy the moment.
Make vacations a priority: Take one together—just the two of you—and unplug! Sure check in on the kiddos, but this is for the two of you.
At home date nights: When you have kids, sometimes you just cannot get out of the house. So, put the kiddo to bed and then cook each other dinner. Pick out a movie, do a puzzle, read a book together, but don’t head to your separate corners and ignore the elephant in the room.
Ok, so maybe this is not your cup of tea, but buy the sexy lingerie or ask him his fantasy or find something new… catch my drift that might ignite the bedroom.
Whatever you do, don't ignore it. Intimacy is so important to a relationship and as awkward or uncomfortable as the conversation may be your marriage is worth it.
Tomorrow I am sharing a story that some of you may find hard to read. This is a message and a story that has been on my heart for a while now and I am grateful that the woman behind it is allowing me to share it.